I have never been on a cruise and I have absolutely no desire to go on one. I imagine a huge boat filled with drunk people gorging themselves on boring food, playing slot machines, laying by a pool, and occasionally getting off the boat to visit random bars in some port city. Aside from the drinking, that sounds incredibly dull. I think I’d rather be dropped off the coast of Somali, in a rowboat, with a bottle of vodka.
Antarctica, though, is one place that I wouldn’t mind going to on a cruise ship because that’s pretty much the only way to get there. If I’m going, though, I have to do it in true Lindsay style and hop aboard the Kapitan Khlebnikov, a Russian icebreaker:
Yes, that is the Soviet coat of arms adorning the ship’s bow.
Perched high on the ship’s bridge (open to passengers most of the time) you’ll marvel at the ease with which the Khlebnikov crushes a swath through meter-thick ice pans. Where other ships must turn around, the Khlebnikov plows forward through ice-choked waters, taking up to 108 passengers to remote fjords, channels and shores where precious few, if any, people have ever visited. And, with its on-board helicopters and fleet of Zodiacs, the range of possible destinations to explore is expanded even further. Helicopters are used for ice navigation, scouting landing sites, “flightseeing” and to land passengers in out-of-the-way places. Zodiacs whisk passengers ashore to observe wildlife and explore and archaeological and historical sites.
Helicopters! The ship has freakin’ helicopters!
The downside of cruising around Antarctica on this awesome ship is the price, which, depending on the length of the trip, ranges from $13,890 to $22,490 for a spot in a triple cabin. So, basically, the only way I can afford this trip is if I win the lottery (which I don’t actually play) or start saving enough money so I can eventually go when I’m, like, 80 years old. Awesome.