Go read Governor Ahhhnold’s State of the State and Second Inaugural Address. Dude’s on a “California is the best, let’s subjugate all the lesser states” roll. I’m totally glad I voted for him now! This California jingoism is what I want to hear, baby!
IMHO, Here’s the best parts of his Second Inaugural Address:
And yet here in this nation-state of California, people from all over the world live in harmony. I call California a nation-state because of the diversity of our people, the power of our economy and the reach of our dream. Every race, every culture, every religion has been drawn to California. The commerce and the trade of the nations of the earth pass through our ports. The world knows our name. We are a good and global commonwealth. Yes, we have problems that must be solved. But, it remains true…what a prosperous, peaceful, golden state in which we live and work and raise our families.
We should never forget these joys and blessings of being Californians.
YEAH, we’re a NATION-STATE!
As a matter of fact, the California historian Kevin Starr says that we must think of ourselves as belonging not just to the Republican Party or the Democratic Party…but to the Party of California … because California is a collective ideal worth preserving.
The Party of California is beyond ideology and one to which all of us belong.
“The Party of California” bit gave me the chills. California Über Alles, Arnold!
So, I ask you, why can’t California be this dream? The United States needs us to be this. The world needs us to be this.
For billions of people around the world, California itself is a dream. They ache to have what we so often take for granted. If they simply could live here, work here, raise their families here, their dreams would be fulfilled. So, to the cynics, I say do not dismiss dreams as idle visions.
Ladies and gentlemen, my dream is that California, the nation-state, the harmonious state, the prosperous state, the cutting-edge state, becomes a model, not just for the 21st century American society, but for the larger world.
It’s been said that most places are united by their pasts…but California is united by its future. Other places are united by what was…but we are united by what can be.
I have a dream that someday I will leave this god-forsaken city and move back to the Golden State and surf in the morning then go to work and have In-N-Out for lunch and then surf some more after work.
Ahhhnold’s “State of the State” address was also stellar, with multiple references to our powerhouse of an economy (6th in the world, hell yeah!) and our awesome engineers and scientists and how we lead the nation in well, basically everything. He also uses the phrase “As California goes, so goes the rest of the nation” which is something I often say to annoy non-Californians. This quote, though, takes the cake:
I believe that together not only can we lead California into the future…we can show the nation and the world how to get there. We can do this because we have the economic strength, we have the population and the technological force of a nation-state. We are the modern equivalent of the ancient city states of Athens and Sparta. California has the ideas of Athens and the power of Sparta.
The POWER OF SPARTA! If we have the power of Sparta, does that mean we will start building a powerful military to invade other, weaker states in order to plunder their natural resources? If so, this is quite possibly the greatest idea Arnold has ever had. Sign me up for a slot in the California Republic’s Army Officer Candidate School, ASAP.
But what to do with this mighty California Army once we’ve built it up to unimaginable proportions? What is the use of an Army after all, if you’re not going to use it every few years, right? I’ve got an idea.
Yes, that “Don’t mess with Texas” Texas.
A coward might say, “But Lindsay, why Texas? Why not start small? Maybe Rhode Island or Maryland or Maine, first.”
Comrades, to this I resoundingly say NO! If we display a little “shock and awe” and pacify Texas, the other states will cater to our every whim. Hey Hawaii, send us some pineapples ASAP, Vermont give us some of that good ol’ fashioned maple syrup. Yo, Alaska, how about shipping some of that Prudhoe Bay crude down to us, on the double? We don’t want to drill off our pristine coastline, and our SUVs don’t run on effin’ corn or whatev.
Not to mention, my dear Comrades, have you forgotten the multitude of crimes committed against the California Republic by certain Texans of ill repute? Do you remember the so-called electricity crisis of 2000-2001, when rolling blackouts darkened our TV screens and shut off our air conditioners, forcing us to swelter in the desert heat, lounging by our pools and drinking margaritas (on the rocks, as you can’t use a blender without power). The injustice of it all! Certainly you recall how those sadistic Enron traders sodomized poor Grandma Millie with that $250 megawatt and then laughed about it amongst themselves?! Rally ’round the California Flag, boys, and hear the cheer echo across the ranks, “Remember Grandma Millie! Remember Wednesday nights without reruns of West Wing!”
Ignoring the axiom, “never get involved in a land war in Texas”, I propose that we launch simultaneous air and ground assaults, a pure “shock and awe” campaign designed to quickly demoralize the Texan forces and undercut support for Rick Perry’s regime. Our first priority, of course, is to secure the oil and gas fields from potential sabotage, but I imagine that upon entering Houston, San Antonio, Dallas, and Austin, we will be greeted as liberators, showered with yellow roses, BBQ brisket sandwiches, and kegs of Shiner Bock. After establishing security throughout the cities, our troops will be issued sets of “Most wanted Enron traders playing cards” so that they can easily identify those who sang “Burn, baby, burn” while our majestic forests caught fire. Our valiant soldiers will go door to door, and smoke them out of their armadillo holes, if necessary. Once we have captured all of these traders (traitors?), we’ll transport them back to California and force them to run on electricity generating treadmills (no doubt invented by a brilliant California scientist) for 10 hours each day, thus helping us meet our goal of generating 20% of our state’s electricity with clean, renewable energy!
Palm Desert based Delta Company conducting operations near The Woodlands
The Commander-in-Chief boosting morale on the front lines
And think of the benefits of a Texas ruled by Californians! We’ll sponsor CD exchanges where you can turn in your Toby Keith albums for some classic tunes by the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Something Corporate. We’ll open an In-N-Out on every corner and fill your supermarkets with California avocados and REAL California cheese that comes from happy California cows. Subsidized wine from Napa Valley! We’ll even clean up your air and water and make Galveston into a real beach town! All we ask of you is complete and total submission to the great nation-state of California, and our leader, Governor-for-life Schwarzenegger!
In preparation for the invasion, In-N-Out has ramped up production of its mobile field units to feed our troops. We don’t want any of that lousy KBR chow, ya hear?
Sign the loyalty pledge and you will be provided a double-double with onions. You will soon forget about that inferior Whataburger chain.
But I haven’t mentioned the best part yet! Yes, there’s more! The invasion of Texas will culminate in a gladiator style death match between Arnold “the Terminator” Schwarzenegger and Rick “college cheerleader” Perry, to be held at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum. Panem et circenses, Comrades!
(Critics might say that I’ve gone and told the whole world the top-secret plans to invade Texas, but they don’t have the internets or the google in Texas, do they?)
We don’t want to fight
But, by Jingo, if we do,
We’ve got the ships,
We’ve got the men,
We’ve got the money, too.
Disclaimer: I really mean no harm to Texas. I’ve grown to like Texas, and most Texans. Good people. “Salt of the earth” as my hero Nick Naylor would say. Texans pay my bills. Goin’ there next month, I think. Hell, might even move there one day.