It’s been a while since I’ve posted some interesting news from Russia…here’s a few articles (some of which are several weeks old)…

Rule Breakers Get Killed, U.S. Official Told
During trade negotiations, a Russian energy official told Assistant U.S. Commerce Secretary William Lash that “People that don’t understand the rules get killed” after the discussion turned to the reasons behind Russia’s decision to strip ExxonMobil of its rights to a major field in the Far East. “We asked for clarification — if he meant financial disaster — and he clarified and said, ‘No … physically killed,’” Lash told reporters Wednesday. “It’s the most surprising answer I’ve heard in over 80 countries.”
A dark and dusty peek into the Russian soul
When I went to St. Pete in 2002, our Resident Director sent us to watch a performance of Dostoevsky’s The Dream of a Ridiculous Man. Now, I don’t know about you, but when I think of “performance” I imagine that it will be held in a theatre, not some sketchy flat at the top of a run down Petersburg apartment building. The performance itself was insane…read the above article to get an idea of what we sat through…I can’t describe it any better than the author:
When we got to the theatre, I was surprised to find the old woman waiting for us. She told us we were not to go into the theatre, but that we would be going on a little field trip. With the nine other people of the audience, I and my friend followed her out of the theatre entrance and into a backstreet of Petrograd Island. It led to a dark and dingy apartment building, where, we were told, the play was to take place.
“Now don’t be surprised at anything you see here,” she warned as we abandoned the broken elevator to walk up the crooked stone steps. “All of you will get out alive.” As the old woman probably intended, her comment was more unsettling than reassuring.
We gingerly followed her as she stepped into a room that was even darker and dingier than the building’s staircase. As I passed through the Russian doors, a musty smell wafted into my nostrils and my eyes smarted from the dust in the air. When my vision had recovered, I beheld such a sight that it was necessary to rub my eyes again, this time in disbelief.
Who’s a Pirate? Russia Points Back at the U.S.
A Russian industry and product designer are asserting that the United States has been abetting intellectual-property pirates to suit its own needs, by directing copies of Russian merchandise around the world.
The complaint is not about software or music. It makes no mention of movies or video games. It is about the Kalashnikov assault rifle, the most prolific firearm ever made….
…The automatic Kalashnikov, made in a factory here, is in many ways Moscow’s Ford. It is a quintessential national product: extraordinarily successful, widespread, a name closely connected to the identity of a state.
‘Reverse air-rage’ on Russian jet
Two flight attendants have attacked a passenger in an unprecedented case of reverse air-rage, according to Russia’s leading airline. An Aeroflot spokeswoman said the incident occurred after the passenger, named as Artyom Chernopup, said the men were drunk and not doing their job.
Did Lenin die of syphilis?
For decades it was no more than a whispered rumour in the corridors of Soviet medicine but now a team of doctors claim to have proved that Lenin, communism’s greatest icon, died of syphilis.
Ilyas Akhmadov, the former Foreign Minister of the Chechen Republic, has been granted asylum in the United States
When I was a sophomore at GW, Akhmadov spoke to my “Human Rights in the Soviet/Russian Government” class. He was a truly amazing speaker. Russia has accused Akhmadov of involvement in terrorism, but an investigation by US authorities determined that Akhmadov had no connection to any terrorist activities.
Top Students Busted for Producing High Quality Speed
Chemistry students at Moscow State University (the “Harvard of Russia”) have been arrested for producing high quality amphetamines with university equipment.
Moscow Policeman Shoots Subway Passenger for Free Ride Attempt
A policeman shot a Moscow subway passenger who was trying to bring in his friend through the turnstile without a token Saturday…
Wow, and I thought the DC metro cops were tough…
Furious Putin Tells Soccer Team to Stop Chewing and Start Singing
A furious President Vladimir Putin has told Russia�s gum-chewing soccer team to kick their habit and sing their national anthem…
Georgians Project Insulting Slogans on Russian Embassy in Tbilisi
A group of Georgians have been projecting insulting messages on the facade of the Russian embassy in Georgia�s capital Tbilisi…During the night, Georgians projected anti-Russian slogans on the facade of the building, including �Georgia without Russian troops,� �Russia�s Two-Headed Eagle is a double-dealing bird,� �Take your trench coats and leave� and others. Russia responded by halting negotiations with the Georgian government.

Hmmm…I don’t get it, why are the Russians mad?
9-year-old Sets Record with 9253 Push-ups
Pavel�s relatives told the newspaper that he loved doing push-ups so much that even while watching TV he�ll suddenly get on the ground and start doing them. It�s gotten to the point that his parents at times tried to keep him from working out, but the young boy just does it in secret.
Ummm…crazy.
Monument to the Potato Erected in North Russia
Somehow this doesn’t surprise me.
Boy Raised by Dog Found in South Siberia
Regional authorities in the Siberian Altai region have discovered a seven-year-old boy who has been raised by a guard dog since he was three months old.
Wilderness, Water, and (Rubber) Women Add up to a Weird Russian Adventure
This is just odd…river rafting on inflatable dolls.

Members of the National Bolshevik Party throw a portrait of Putin out of a window



In Russian courtrooms, defendants are placed in a locked cage. This is Mikhail Khodorkovsky, the richest man in Russia.

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“The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex. Congress shall have power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation.”
Received the following in an e-mail from a fellow New Hampshire Clark volunteer…thought it was rather well written:

Women who dared
Author Unknown

The women were innocent and defenseless. And by the end of the night, they were barely alive. Forty prison guards wielding clubs and their warden’s blessing went on a rampage against the 33 helpless women wrongly convicted of “obstructing sidewalk traffic.”

They beat Lucy Burn, chained her hands to the cell bars above her head and left her hanging for the night, bleeding and gasping for air. They hurled Dora Lewis into a dark cell, smashed her head against an iron bed and knocked her out cold. Her cellmate, Alice Cosu, thought Lewis was dead and suffered a heart attack.
Additional affidavits describe the guards grabbing, dragging, beating, choking, slamming, pinching, twisting and kicking the women. Thus unfolded the “Night of Terror” on Nov. 15, 1917, when the warden at the Occoquan Workhouse in Virginia ordered his guards to teach a lesson to the suffragists imprisoned there because they dared to picket Woodrow Wilson’s White House for the right to vote.

For weeks, the women’s only water came from an open pail. Their food, all of it colorless slops, was infested with worms. When one of the leaders, Alice Paul, embarked on a hunger strike, they tied her to a chair, forced a tube down her throat and poured liquid into her until she vomited. She was tortured like this for weeks until word was smuggled out to the press.

So, refresh my memory. Some women won’t vote this year because why, exactly? We have car pool duties? We have to get to work? Our vote doesn’t matter? It’s raining?

Last week, I went to a sparsely attended screening of HBO’s new movie Iron Jawed Angels. It is a graphic depiction of the battle these women waged so I could pull the curtain at the polling booth and have my say. I am ashamed to say I needed the reminder.

There was a time when I knew these women well. I met them in college, not in my required American history courses, which barely mentioned them, but in women’s history class. That’s where I found the irrepressibly brave Alice Paul, her large, brooding eyes seemed fixed on my own as she stared out from the page.

“Remember!” she silently beckoned. Remember. I thought I always would.

I registered voters throughout college and law school, worked on congressional and presidential campaigns until I started writing for newspapers. When Geraldine Ferraro ran for vice president, I took my 9-year-old son to meet her. “My knees are shaking,” he whispered after shaking her hand. “I’m never going to wash this hand again.”

All these years later, voter registration is still my passion. But the actual act of voting had become less personal for me, more rote. Frankly, voting often felt more like an obligation than a privilege. Sometimes it was even inconvenient.

My friend Wendy, who is my age and studied women’s history, saw the HBO movie, too. When she stopped by my desk to talk about it, she looked angry. She was. With herself. “One thought kept coming back to me as I watched that movie,” she said. “What would those women think of the way I use, or don’t use, my right to vote?”

All of us take it for granted now, not just younger women, but those of us who did seek to learn. The right to vote, she said, had become valuable to her “all over again.”

HBO will run the movie periodically before releasing it on video and DVD. I wish all history, social studies and government teachers would include the movie in their curriculum. I want it shown on Bunko night, too, and anywhere else women gather. I realize this isn’t our usual idea of socializing, but we are not voting in the numbers that we should be, and I think a little shock therapy is in order.

It is jarring to watch Woodrow Wilson and his cronies try to persuade a psychiatrist to declare Alice Paul insane so that she could be permanently institutionalized. And it is inspiring to watch the doctor refuse. Alice Paul was strong, he said, and brave. That didn’t make her crazy. The doctor admonished the men: “Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.”

Ladies, I think we can all take a few minutes out of our day on November 2nd and honor the sacrifices these women made by going to the local polls and casting a vote in the Presidential election (or in my case, mailing in my absentee ballot).

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If you know me well, then surely you are aware of my small obsession with visiting warships. I love them. As a kid, my parents would take me to San Diego to tour the ships that were open to the public. I even convinced my National Charity League group to tour the USS Fort Fisher when we went on a day trip to San Diego (If you have no clue what NCL is, let’s just say that those girls would be more at home in a Nordstrom’s than on a deck of a naval vessel). I think they liked it, though…got to play on the amphibious assault craft and pose with the MK-38 25-mm machine gun…how is that not fun???

Hell, I should probably be in the Navy right now (I actually did consider NROTC while at GW, but never went through with it). Anyways, I dragged my mom, cousin, and aunt down to San Diego so we could check out the USS Midway, the longest serving aircraft carrier in naval history (1945-1992).

It was cool to walk around the deck of this Cold War behemoth…long, detailed history of the ship is here.

Here’s the photos I took. If you’re ever in San Diego and have a few hours to spare, I highly recommend taking a tour of the Midway.

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GW finally has a facebook (It’s kind of like Friendster). Check it out at gwu.thefacebook.com. It’s growing rather quickly…

GW named “Hottest School for Political Junkies” by Newsweek:
With a campus next door to the World Bank and down the street from the White House, GW is a poli-sci major’s dream. Professors often consult for the government, which gives their classroom perspective a practical edge. The school also encourages internships at government agencies, think tanks and advocacy organizations. And for a study break, students can check out CNN’s political-affairs show “Crossfire,” which is telecast live from the campus. Another plus: the fixed-tuition plan, which keeps rates flat until graduation. You don’t need to be a policy wonk to appreciate that.

DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I once had a professor say that GW was the only college he’s ever been to that showed CNN on all the TVs in the food court and gym…apparently other schools show sports. Sports? What the hell is that??? (Oh, and GW has a fixed tuition plan? Huh?)

One of the funniest Onion articles I’ve read lately, Online University Cracks Down on Rowdy Online Fraternity:
More serious infractions involved illegal activities. In 2002, several Alpha Sigma Sigma members were arrested for purchasing alcohol from Wine.com with falsified driver’s licenses and credit-card numbers. Then, in the spring of 2003, fraternity members hacked into the web site of rival University of Phoenix Online, erased its mascot, and placed a downloaded version on their own web site. Although no one was ever charged with the theft of the copyrighted clip art, the online fraternity was warned that further misbehavior would result in serious disciplinary action.

Hmmm…but Alpha Sigma Sigma was the GW College Dems frat! I still have my letters they gave me when I was a freshman…

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In the past 12 months, this site has received over 52,000 visits. A majority of them are from people searching for information or pictures regarding Russia, but occasionally I get some visitors that are looking for some crazy stuff. Here are a few search phrases from my recent site logs…there are a ton more, but for brevity’s sake I’ll limit them to the strangest ones…(my comments are in parentheses, of course)

bagpipers palm desert
picture of woman amputees hopping around on one leg (UHHHHH…WTF?)
shrinkwrapping boats
cannibalism fotos
damn! i was hanging out in oceanside
girls in skirts (I don’t like skirts…)
church girls in skirts (And I definitely don’t like going to church)
mary bono scandals (I wish!)
i have not clue where baku azerbaijan
zoo animals that are depressed (Awwww…)
jjf93kw1gyhuzchhs zvzjvd (No clue)
2004 email address officers of japanese amusement parks
will a ice cube melt faster dr pepper or mellow yellow
duct taping children in vermont (Uhhhh…)
a picture of ozzy osborne biting a bats head off (Gross)
ice cream cake in pakistan
what kind of tourists are coming to dc (Annoying ones)
phat ass burbons and old cars on dub (WTF?)
sexy nylons from 1960s
i have a drama act and i need to learn how to talk like im from the ghetto or compton do you know where I can go? (HAHAHAHAHAHAH!)
how to pronounce guacamole (Must not have grown up in California)

Ever since I started posting about life as an Office Depot serf, I’ve received a nice amount of people looking for something related to Office Depot. A few of the searchers appear to be fellow disgruntled employees, while the rest are most likely customers. I imagine that the customers don’t enjoy my site very much since I am complaining about them…I can see them calling up corporate HQ: “There’s this girl on the internet that works for you and she writes about people like me! I saw it on my Compaq! It was on the screen thingy when I typed ‘Office Depot copies’ into my AOL! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!” So here’s the Office Depot searches:
office depot customer service california
address of office depot headquarters (Just mark the address “Hell”)
office depot customer service canon a80
office depot employee transfer
copy of the office depot rebate 4300
office depot employee
office depot shit -officedepot.com -officedepot.ca (Office Depot shit? WTF?)
office depot color coping pictures (Did you mean to search for “office depot color copying pictures?” Hmmm?)
working at office depot retail (It sucks, don’t do it)
working at office depot (…is hell)
i work at office depot email
sarcasm in customer service (Yeah, got tons of that)
office depot customer service stories (I got those riiiiight here)
office depot product protection plan (If you buy one, we get 5% commission…but we would never tell the customer that little tidbit)
office depot hell (HAHAHAHA I can’t believe someone searched for this…it’s so….perfect!)

GWU related searches:
george washington university sucks
i love gwu
gwu sucks
fake diploma from gwu
(plus a ton more on Trachtenberg…weird)

A lot of people come to my site looking for info on Lenin’s Mausoleum in Red Square…these are a few of the Lenin-related searches:
pictures lenin walking out of his mausoleum (that would be a bit hard considering HE IS DEAD)
who is buried in a glass coffin in red square
is lenin s body wax (Why don’t you ask him next time he walks out of his mausoleum?)
what part of lenin s body was preserved? (Ehhhh…)
who is buried in a glass coffin in russia

That’s all the fun search terms for today…will have more in the future!

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I am the product of a Catholic School education. More specifically, I am the product of a hellish eight year long boot camp style education thanks to St. Theresa School in Palm Springs, CA.

The reason I bring this up is due to a recent conversation between myself and Katerina in which we reflected on how ridiculous our elementary/middle school was. Since I’m bored and have nothing else to write about, I’ll share some of these experiences with all of my dear readers (some of which are themselves STS alums). If you’ve ever wondered what it was like to spend eight years trapped in a Catholic School, read on…

Public humiliation is good for the soul

Students watch as one of their comrades is humiliated by a facist faculty member
When I was in first grade we were studying the different phases of the moon for our science class. Each night I would go outside, look at the moon, and record the moon’s phase on my science worksheet. Well, one day after recess, our science teacher came up to the class (we were lined up outside, waiting to go back to our classroom) and said “Fincher! What phase was the moon last night?” (There were three Lindsays/Lindseys in the class, so by first grade I was quite accustomed to being called by my last name.) I replied incorrectly, so he yelled “Fincher, come up here!” I went up to my teacher and he picked me up, turned me upside down, and berated me in front of the entire class for not knowing the correct phase of the previous night’s moon (while I was upside down…fun stuff…you should try it sometime). Now, honestly, couldn’t the man have just said “Wrong” and called on another student?

Have you ever dreaded an upcoming birthday? Most kids look forward to their birthdays, yeah? Cake, ice cream, games, clowns…how could you not look forward to that? Well, mention the word “birthday” to a first grader in Sister Kathryn’s class, and it would immediately invoke an image of a rather large paddle that would come into contact with their ass for 7-8 times (One smack for each year you have spent on our good Lord’s earth). Yes, that’s right, ladies and gentlemen, my first grade teacher (A NUN!!!) would paddle you in front of the entire class ON YOUR BIRTHDAY.

An upperclassman exhorts gradeschoolers to climb faster…or else!

Obstacle courses, perhaps the ultimate form of public humiliation. How we loathed those damn obstacle courses! (Mainly because we would rather be playing handball or four square). About once a month our PE teacher would setup an obstacle course for us to run. It usually included running around the athletic field, climbing over and balancing on stuff…eh, you know, typical military setup. One day my friend was having a hard time with the monkey bars…she just didn’t have the strength to get across. After the class (minus my friend, who was still on the monkey bars) had finished the obstacle course, my teacher had us (around 40 students) line up so that we could watch my friend attempt to cross the monkey bars. She would fail again, and again, and again. Finally the teacher went up to her, grabbed her legs, and told her to start going across the monkey bars while he held her legs. Well, as you could have predicted, my friend could not make it across the monkey bars, but this time, instead of just letting go and ending up on her feet as she would have usually done, she fell face first into the sand…mmmmm playground sand…tasty.

Just a typical day in PE class…

My PE teacher also enjoyed picking on the kids that couldn’t run very fast. While we were running the obstacle course, he would pick a random student and yell “Anyone that’s behind (insert student’s name) when he/she finishes will have to run the course again!” So if you were slow, well too damn bad, because you’d have to run the course again while all your classmates watched. Got asthma? We don’t care, run it again!

Big Brother is Watching
First graders are pretty gullible – they’ll believe anything. Our teacher used to leave us alone so she could go to the office and make copies, sit around doing nothing, um, whatever it is teachers do in the office. Anyways, we had an intercom system in the classroom, and our teacher had us convinced that there was a camera behind it so she could watch our every move while she performed her tasks in the office (we were stupid first graders, alright? It made sooo much sense back then). Occasionally, the teacher would get on the intercom and yell “(Insert student’s name), I can see you! Stop fidgeting, quiet down, and get to work!” We would freeze up and be like “OH MY GOD SHE REALLY CAN SEE US!” Sometimes the principal would join in the fun…I could just imagine these two old nuns sitting in the principals office getting their kicks out of terrorizing a bunch of first graders via the school’s intercom system.

Individualism is a weakness! It MUST be eliminated! (My little brother, 3rd from right)

Justice Under God (J.U.G.)
I’m proud to say that I was involved in an incident that resulted in the establishment of a strict disciplinary system at St. Theresa School.

We had this system at STS in which you could not leave your lunch table and go off to the playground/sports fields/whatever until a teacher had checked the table for cleanliness and then dismissed the students at that table. Well, one day the teacher on duty was not satisfied with the cleanliness of ANY of the lunch tables, so she refused to allow us to go play (or, as I and my lunch table mates were in 6th grade, “hang out” and talk). We were becoming quite disgruntled…our area was CLEAN, and yet this teacher refused to dismiss us. So myself and my table mates decided to express our displeasure with the teacher by pounding our fists on the table and chanting “Let us go! LET US GO!” The teacher would ring this bell that all teachers on duty carried…the ringing bell signified that we were supposed to shut the hell up, but instead of shutting up, we just got louder. Soon enough, the other tables joined in and we had the entire student body, including the grade schoolers, pounding on the tables and screaming “Let us go!!!!!” Now, unless you ever attended Catholic School, you cannot possibly fathom what a systematic breakdown in discipline this incident presented. It was the first time I could remember when the simmering discontent finally boiled over into an all out revolt against the school authority. Hell, we even made the teacher on duty break down into tears. It was GREAT, until we saw Mr. Routon (the same teacher that held me upside down and made my friend fall face down into the sand) walking down the hall on his way to the lunch tables (I suppose they paged him at the teacher’s lounge to let him know that a small riot was underway). Oh man, once we saw Mr. R walking towards us we knew we were in for it…never seen his face so red…never heard him scream so loudly. Afterwards he took our entire class out to the basketball court and made us stand on the line so he could walk back and forth and scream in our faces like a Marine Corps Drill Sergeant.

It was all fun and games until Mr. R arrived

That week, the administration instituted a new disciplinary system called “Justice Under God.” Under this system, you could basically get detention for anything. Now that I look back on it, I’m not really certain what God had to do with this discipline system, as I’m sure he wouldn’t really mind that much if I took a shortcut across the grass, had my shirt untucked, or snuck in a few words to my friends while we were in line.

While J.U.G. set out the disciplinary measures that could be meted out to students, some teachers took it upon themselves to formulate their own.

Were your pants too low? No problem, a nun will “gently” pull them up for you.

Talking in computer class? Hope you dont mind sitting in a dark closet for awhile.

Chewing gum? Stick it on your nose and report for gum scraping duty after school.

Hell, I was even assigned detention for allegedly participating in a food fight that occurred WHILE I WAS AT HOME WITH THE FLU. I eventually proved to the teacher that I couldn’t have possibly participated in the food fight from my house, however he must have forgotten because the next day he demanded to know why I wasn’t at yesterday’s detention session…ugh.

One of the incidents I remember most clearly (because it happened to me) occured when my 7th grade class was taking a standardized test. We were on the math part of the test, and I remember that there were two sections…one had around 40 questions and the other had 10. Well, after I finished the 40 questions I went on and completed the 10 question section. Well, we weren’t supposed to…guess I wasn’t very good at reading directions…honest mistake, alright? So myself and seven other students who also messed up were ordered outside by Mr. R (are you seeing a trend here?) and told to stand completely still while facing a column. So 15 minutes goes by…the rest of the class was inside completing the section that we had already done…and then Mr. R comes outside and chews us all out for a few minutes. I don’t even remember what he said…just yelling, yelling, yelling. There was an excessive amount of yelling at that school…I remember sitting in darkened classrooms while teachers yelled at us for some ridiculous reason. Once, a teacher even picked up an empty student’s desk and threw it. Honestly, a few faculty members should have gone to anger management.

This really makes for a great learning environment…

Oh yeah, one time I yelled back at a teacher…it was great. He got all in my face yelling at me because I had said a few words to my friend sitting next to me in computer class. After he finished yelling at me, he said “DO YOU UNDERSTAND???” to which I replied “SIR, YES, SIR!” I figured, hey, if you’re going to yell at me like some drill instructor, then I’m going to answer back like an army recruit so you can see how crazy all this yelling is. Anyways, my teacher just backed away and left me alone for the rest of the period, and my classmates thought it was awesome that I yelled back at a teacher.

Students = great source of child labor

A group of students before they embark on the 8 mile walkathon to earn money for their oppressive institution of learning. (Mr. R, resident drill instructor, is at top center)

One of the valuable skills I picked up while at STS was how to be a waitress. When the church “Alter Society” (aka a group of religious old ladies) held their luncheons, we would fill in as waitresses. I hated it because a) uh, well, we were being used as free labor; and b) we had to wear skirts.

STS did a ton of fundraising. We had to sell gift wrap paper, candy, and hit up people for walkathon pledges. God, how I hated selling that stuff…I think that’s why I was such a pathetic salesperson at Office Depot…I was burnt out on a sales career by 5th grade.

After we graduated, some friends and I burnt our school uniforms over a bonfire. We were ready for that shining beacon of freedom: high school.

St. Theresa School, Class of ‘96: Burn, burn, burn…

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You take your car to work, I’ll take my board
Well, I’m back in the hell know as Palm Desert…was in Oceanside for a week. Accomplished quite a bit while I was down there:

- went surfing
- bought a boardbag for my surfboard
- visited the USS Midway (photos up soon)
- ate at Joe’s Crab Shack (it holds a special place in my heart) and the Old Town Cafe (best tortillas EVER)

OK, I’m ready to go back to school now.

You dont get this view with football! (Photo from Surfer magazine)

“What are you laughing at, girl?”
So, Katerina and I were on our way to my cousin’s going away party (his National Guard unit is being sent to Iraq) when we were pulled over by a sheriff’s deputy. Apparently, the deputy was not impressed with Katerina’s ability to stop at a certain location that was marked with a stop sign. I, of course, thought the situation was hilarious, and couldn’t stop laughing. So the deputy looked at me and said “What are you laughing at, girl?” Katerina assured the deputy that I was laughing at her, not him. The deputy told us that the old people in my neighborhood have been complaining about people running the stop sign and speeding (omg, seriously, I think the only thing old people do is COMPLAIN about everything…that’s all they would do at Office Supply Hell). The deputy then asked where we were headed (methinks he eyed the large vegetable platter that was sitting on my lap…good thing I had the veggies instead of the two large bottles of tequila and margarita mix). The conversation went something like this:

Deputy: “Where are you going?”

Kat: “Going away party.”

Deputy: “For who?”

Me: “My cousin.”

Deputy: “Where is he going?”

Kat: “Iraq.”

Deputy: “Business or pleasure?”

(eh, WTF?)

Kat: “Army.”

And guess what? No ticket.

My cousin was showing me all the equipment he was taking over there…damn, that stuff weighs so much…and I’m just talking about what the soldiers are wearing, not including a backpack they may be carrying and their rifle and ammo. Even the body armor is insanely heavy (and yeah, he is taking his own in case the army is slow to issue to his unit). I really couldn’t imagine walking around in the desert heat with all that gear (plus combat boots, BDUs, helmet).

Etc.
I missed the Bartolo Colon Russian stacking doll giveaway at Angel Stadium! Dammit!
Big5 has the Mosin Nagant M44 on sale this week…$79.99 (+ the $20 required by the state of CA…argh). So…tempting…

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It’s official…Victory over Office Depot Day has come and gone. I am no longer an employee of Office Supply Hell.

My last week of work was rather dull…there weren’t really any insane customers that I had to deal with. My schedule was a bit messed up, though. My last official day of work was supposed to be Friday, August 6th. When I got my schedule for this week, I noticed that my asst. manager had given me Friday off and scheduled me to work on Saturday, the 7th (WTF? You scheduled me for working a day after I quit). I went up to him and said “Hey, you scheduled me for Saturday but I’m not going to be here.” He replied “Well, I didn’t get a request slip for that day off” and I said “Noooo, but you got a little piece of paper saying that I’m not working here effective August 6th.” DUH. So the running joke (directed towards the asst. manager by my co-workers) has been “Who is this Lindsay girl that is starting on Saturday? Wow, and she is in the tech department, too. What a coincidence!”

Anyways, I was scheduled to work 7-3:30 on Thursday, but on Sunday my asst. manager asked me if I wanted to switch to the 3:30-9:30 shift and I said yes because I hate waking up for the 7am shift. Well, I don’t know what happened but I got a call at 7:30am yesterday from the other asst. manager wanting to know where the hell I was…so I got into work at 8:45am…haha, way to start off my last day of work! I actually accomplished a lot of work, even though my co-workers kept asking me why I wasn’t just riding out the clock…I dunno, just seems like actually doing stuff makes the time go by a lot faster. I sold a few laptops, printers, etc and my managers asked “How many Kempers (extended warranties) did you sell with those?” Ummm…well…none. We got a new store manager (you see, our store has been without a manager since April…we were being run by two assistant managers). Anyways, the new manager is pretty nice but she is really into selling these damn extended warranties. She had an easel with a big pad of paper placed at the front of the store to track how many Kempers are sold each day (of course, it doesn’t say anything about warranties on the pad of paper…just the employees name and how many they have sold…so the customers have no clue what it is there for). I, for some reason, was not blessed with the ability to sucker people into buying an expensive extended warranty (that, and I just don’t care). I will usually ask the customer if they want to purchase the warranty, and when they say “no” then I won’t push it any further. One time, though, a cashier was ringing up a desktop that this guy was purchasing…one of my co-workers in tech asked me if he was purchasing the Kemper, and I said that he wasn’t. So the co-worker says to the customer, “Sir, are you purchasing the extended warranty?” Customer says “No.” Co-worker says “Ohhh, brave man.” Ughhh…don’t…do…that. Mental note: make sure to tell co-worker that he sounds like sleazy used car salesman. Anyways, that’s my rant on extended warranties.

Oh, Lauren called me at work yesterday. I picked up the phone (”Technology department, how can I assist you?”) and she was like “Ahhh! My Dell computer is exploding!” That was amusing.

Well, I’m off to go do something with my newfound freedom…maybe, uh, go to Starbucks. Going to Oceanside for a week…leaving tomorrow…sweet.

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Due to the constant fluctuation in customer personalities, we cannot be responsible for the mental stability of any one member of our staff. (Seen in a gas station in Toronto, Canada)

A few nights ago I was watching the “Airline” and “Airline: UK” marathon on A&E, and seeing all the moronic customers hassle the Southwest Airlines and EasyJet employees inspired me to write another volume detailing the trials and tribulations of dealing with customers at office supply hell. (On a side note, why is “Growing up Gotti” on A&E? If anything, it should be on FOX)

To make this a bit more easier to read, I will attempt to divide this post into categories.

Do you work here?
I know that I’ve mentioned this before, but really, this has got to stop. People need to stop asking me if I work at Office Depot. I am wearing a hideous shirt that says “OFFICE DEPOT” above the pocket and a nametag that says “CUSTOMER EXPERIENCE OFFICER.” There is a U-boat (three tiered cart that we put merchandise on that needs to be stocked) filled with boxes…I proceed to take an orange box cutter out of my pocket and use it to slice open a box…I then remove the product from the box and place it onto a shelf. A customer wanders into my aisle and observes me at work. They then ask me “Excuse me, do you work here?” No, of course I don’t work here – I am doing all of this for fun! I understand that some customers may simply be saying this because they do not know of a better way to ask for help. OK, fair enough, but why can’t they just say “Excuse me, can you help me find something?” I don’t get it…

A few days ago I was stocking binders USING THE LADDER THAT SAYS “FOR EMPLOYEE USE ONLY” when a lady comes up to me and says “Do you work here?” I nodded my head and replied “MmmHmm” and the lady said “IS THAT A ‘YES?’” Whoa, flashback to first grade – I’m being yelled at by a nun…oh wait, back to reality – I’m standing here, fully uniformed, product in hand, being asked by a moron if I work here, and when I do not loudly shout “YES”, I am berated by aforementioned moron.

I know you are leaving, but…
The employee break room, home to our lockers and time clock, is located at the very back of the store. Therefore, to enter and exit the building without being stopped by a customer requires several forms of covert action. Unfortunately, this does not always work, and you may be stopped by a customer while you are happily on your way out of the store. This has happened to me several times…I have just left the break room, have my bag slung over my shoulder and my car keys out, when a customer in the furniture department (the wretched department that you must pass through) will say to me “I know you are on your way out, but could you answer a few questions for me?” UMMMM…NO. Hello, I am off the clock!! Usually I just tell them that furniture isn’t my department and I will send someone up at the front to help them…so annoying!

Cashier training school
My friend was cashiering at the ink depot register (ink depot is the cute little name that corporate has given to the area where all of our ink is located) and I was at the ink depot computer looking up some information on a printer. A lady came to her register and paid cash, and when my friend gave her change back to her, the lady said in this bitchy voice “You know, you really shouldn’t give change like that!” Now, I didn’t realize there was a proper way to give change, but the way my friend gave the lady her change is how many cashiers do it (placing bills in the hand, and then the coins) but apparently this lady found this so disagreeable that she felt the need to berate my friend, saying things like “When you give change like this, it’s so hard to put it away. Don’t they train you properly?” Oh, no…I’m sorry, I must have slept through the cashier training class in which we were taught how to properly give change to picky customers.
I hope you feel better now that you’ve had the opportunity to bitch at a cashier…I mean, if your life is so pathetic that you berate a lowly employee on proper change giving techniques, then wow I feel sorry for you!

You need the exercise!
Another cash register story- this one happened to an employee who is a bit on the heavy side. Well, a customer comes up to the register to check out and it just so happens that the one lunchbox she wants to purchase is the one that is missing a bar code, so there is no way to ring it up without getting another lunchbox. My co-worker paged some employees to go find out the price of the lunchbox, but they were all busy helping customers (and the cashiers are not supposed to leave their register). Lady gets pissed so she says “FINE, I will get another lunchbox myself!” She grabs another lunchbox and comes up to the register and says to my co-worker “You know, YOU should have gotten the lunchbox! You look like you could use the exercise!” Yes, ladies and gentlemen, a customer that is badgering the cashier about his weight. I swear, some people can be real jerks.

No pricetag! It must be free!
If you are ever shopping, do not say that to an employee. Do you know how many times we have heard that? Do you think you are the first person to come up with that clever little joke? Well, you’re not, so stop….please.

Post-it note lady from hell
Old lady walks into the store one night, looks at my CSM (customer service manager) who is standing at a register and is outfitted in the Office Depot uniform and says to him “DO YOU WORK HERE?” My CSM says yes and asks how he can help her. She pulls out her Post-it Note Pop Up Dispenser and asks him if he knows anything about it. He says no, and she starts bitching about how no one in the store knows anything about the product. My CSM calls me to the front of the store (because obviously Post-it Notes fall under the technology department, not the supplies department!) I go to the front and the lady points at her Post-it Note Dispenser and asks me if I use one…I said that no, I do not use Post-it Note Dispensers (I wasn’t going to lie – indeed I am not so pathetic that I need a pop-up dispenser for Post-it Notes. I can peel them off the block myself, thank you very much!) So it turns out that telling the customer the truth was not such a good idea. She yelled at me “Jesus, doesn’t ANYBODY in this store know ANYTHING about the products that are sold here!!!!!!!!”

This is a Post-it Note Dispenser. If you are going to yell at me about this product, then you really really really need to get a hobby…

She then pulls out several pads of Post-it Notes and throws them on the counter, shrieking “I can’t get this to work! I pull one Post-it note off, and the other one does not pop up!” Oh, well, God, the world is just coming to an absolute end now isn’t it? My CSM goes into the cash office and retrieves the Post-it Note dispenser that is sitting in there (the one that belongs to Office Depot…I guess since we need a dispenser for our Post-it Notes we are also quite pathetic). I open it up and show the lady why hers isn’t working – our dispenser has the dispenser refills…they are accordion-like, whereas the ones she purchased were just regular Post-it Notes. I told her she could get the refills on aisle 14…she snaps back “SHOW ME!” Well, OK. Walk her to aisle 14. Show her Post-it Note dispenser refills that are clearly marked “For Popup Note Dispensers.”

These are refills for the Post-it Note Dispenser. See, it says so on the package!

Lady points to package of regular Post-it Notes and says “See, these say ‘Super Sticky Notes.’ I purchased these and they don’t work!” WHO CARES IF THEY SAY SUPER STICKY?!?! They are regular Post-it Notes, NOT popup dispenser refills. I tell her that “Super Sticky” simply refers to the fact that they are much stickier than the previous generation of Post-it Notes (and yes, I just totally made that up on the spot…well, you have to admit that it does make sense, eh?).

These are regular Post-it Notes. These will NOT work in your dispenser!

She then says “This is so confusing! How are people supposed to know which ones are for the dispenser??” Again, I point to the package that says “For Popup Note Dispensers” and say “Ma’am, the refills say ‘For Popup Note Dispensers’ on the package.” She then remarks AGAIN that this is all so very confusing. WHAT THE HELL IS CONFUSING? If it says “For Popup Note Dispensers” on the package then wouldn’t you think to yourself “Hmmm…I think these are the refills for my popup note dispenser!” Again, I explain to her the difference between the Post-it notes. I was holding a large package of the dispenser notes – a pack of 12 blocks for about $12, and then she starts bitching about the price. Well, I guess that’s the price you pay for being a moron that has to have a dispenser for Post-it Notes! Anyways, I show her a smaller pack for $5. She is finally happy. As I am leaving the aisle she says “Oh, but these only come in yellow? I wish they came in the colors like the regular Post-it notes. You know us girls, we love our pretty colors.”

Yeah, definitely rolled my eyes at that one…

Crazy chair lady
It’s 9pm, and the announcement that we are closed has been made. I am stocking some products onto some shelves when a lady comes up to me and asks if we have a particular chair in blue. I take her over to the area where the boxes of chairs are (normally we keep the boxes of chairs in the back, but if a chair is on sale we will place a stack of boxes on the sales floor so the customer can get one by themselves) and open a box that is marked “royal” to show her what the fabric on the chair looked like (we only had the black chair on display). She doesn’t it like it. Fine, OK. I go back to stocking the shelves…a few minutes later I walked past the stack of chairs and discovered that she was still there, OPENING EVERY SINGLE BOX THAT WAS MARKED AS “ROYAL!” WTF??? Did she think that one royal might be different than the other royal, and after opening say, the third box that was marked as royal, maybe she would realize that hey, maybe all the chairs that say royal are the exact same color! Then she points to the pieces she has pulled out of one of the royal boxes and says to me “Can you assemble this?” Uhhh…no. Her son, who was with her, says “Mom, they are closed.” Does she go up to the register and pay for her products? No! She continues to walk around for another 10 minutes. HELLO!!! WE ARE CLOSED! You couldn’t come to the store during the 14 hours that we are open??? I would like to go home, thank you very much, but my managers wouldn’t go up to the lady and tell her that we are closed. How annoying!

Big shot lawyer wants to know where his damn furniture is!
Now this story is just weird…so my CSM gets this call from this judge/lawyer/whatever who wants to know where the hell his $12,000 furniture order is, but the only problem is, we have no record whatsoever of his order…not in the computer, no hard copies, NOTHING. My CSM asks the guy for some more info (order #, phone number that he used when he placed the order) and he said “I am out shopping right now! I don’t have that information with me!” Ummm…OK. So anyways, the guy is being a real pain in the ass. While my CSM was on the phone, an employee that was working in the furniture department came up to her and asked if she was talking to someone about furniture. My CSM asks the guy on the phone to hold for a moment and covers the mouthpiece with her hand. She tells the employee about the call, and the employee asks my CSM if the guy asked for her name…and then if he asked her to spell it. CSM answers that yes, he did. The employee then tells my CSM that she thinks the person on the phone is actually in the store…sitting in a chair in the furniture department not more than 30 feet from the CSM. To top it off, an employee in customer service paged another employee over the storewide intercom and my CSM heard the page over the phone…like it was coming from wherever the guy was…so yeah, this guy was SITTING IN OUR FURNITURE DEPARTMENT YELLING AT MY CSM ON HIS CELLPHONE! He never asked to speak to a manager while he was at Office Depot, nor did he inquire about a furniture order in person. Our best guess is that the guy placed his order with another company and that he accidentally called us instead of whoever he placed the order with (he told my CSM that we loaned him 12 chairs to use until his order came in, which we would never do since it is against company policy). People actually do this quite a bit…they will call the store (usually about a copy job) wanting to know when it will be completed, and some poor employee is running around crazy trying to find a record of this order being placed (all the while, the customer is bitching “Why aren’t my copies ready?!?! What do you mean you can’t find my order?!?!”)…and as it usually turns out, the “customer” actually placed the order with OFFICEMAX. Damn people…anyways, that furniture guy definitely deserves the “moron of the year” award!

Obligatory Office Depot Dream
Sometimes I have dreams about Office Depot…sad, I know, but since I spend about 40 hours a week there, it’s bound to happen. A while back I dreamt that I went to work and was informed that I was being transferred to an Office Depot store in Philadelphia. OK, first off, WTF, I was being transferred like I was in the army or something, and second off, Philadelphia?!?! Yeah, great. Anyways, I got to Philly and really hated it because a) I was still working at Office Depot, b) I was in Philly, and c) It was winter. Hopefully after I leave Office Depot I will no longer dream about that hell!

Oh yeah, tomorrow is my last day! Let me repeat this: TOMORROW IS MY LAST DAY OF WORKING AT OFFICE SUPPLY HELL! That does not mean that this is the last installment of “Adventures in Customer Service”, though. On the contrary, I have quite a few stories left – perhaps enough to fill an additional two volumes!

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